Designing The Ultimate Pokemon Menu

Forget being the very best, who’s the very tastiest Pokemon, like no one ever was?

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Category : Pokemon

We write a lot about Pokemon at TheGamer, which is how we’re able to discover some secret, lesser known facts about the series. For example, did you know that many of the Pokemon we know and love are based on animals? You might not have noticed it the first time, but once you spot it, it’s impossible to miss. For that reason, we decided to devise the ideal Pokemon menu for you all to enjoy. I’ve already tasted all of the starter trios to decide which ones would taste the best – we decided Kalos just about edges it, although Unova’s Tepig was the best overall, and Sinnoh was the worst with all three inedible. Now, we’re widening the net to the entire Pokedex to create the dream Pokemon menu even Gordon Ramsay would be proud of… before be called me a fucking useless twat and lobbed a Squirtle at my head.

Hors-d’oeuvres

Obviously Slowpoke tails. It couldn’t be anything else, really. The concept of eating Pokemon is danced around a lot throughout the series, but a major plot in the anime and the games is that Slowpoke tails are delicious. It’s kind of cruelty-free, too. The tails feel no pain and will grow back in due course. Slowpoke even evolves when a Shellder bites its tail – or would, if the Gen 1 games could support those kinds of evolutions. Unfortunately, the rest of the meal is not quite so cruelty-free.

Drink

Milcery is an obvious one, since you know, it’s milk – but anyone who orders milk for a seven course meal probably wants their hard drive checking. Polteageist is a little better, but only just. For that reason, we’re going to crush Cherubi and then ferment it until we get a delicious cherry wine.

Soup

In the starters meal (that’s starters as in Pokemon, not as in potato skins), I went for a good old fashioned turtle soup with Squirtle. I was tempted to make a chunky beef mulligatawny with Bouffalant, but that seems a bit heavy for a meal like this, so instead, it’s a classic duck and leek made with Farfetch’d. That is what Farfetch’d is named for, after all.

Starter

Clauncher cocktail it is. Claunchtail, I might call it, if that didn’t sound more like a disease than it did an appetiser. Anyway, it’s just a prawn cocktail with the prawn Pokemon. Not sure what else you need from me.

Salad

For all the grass types in Pokemon, there are precious few that seem suited to being transformed into a salad course. Ivysaur might have been an option, were starters not ineligible here and were there not the considerable inconvenience that Ivysaur is poisonous. Lilligant, however, is a fitting option still, especially if we slice up some Applin with the leaves for a Waldorf salad.

Fish Course

Now we’re into the big bois. We can eat Lilligant leaves and drink Cherubi wine all we want, but when we talk about eating Pokemon we mean the creatures we love seared, skewered, and served up on a silver platter. For the fish course, there were a lot of contenders. Magikarp famously tastes terrible, but I’m curious about the taste of Lantern, Wishiwashi, and Alomomola – still, they were not the ones I chose. Thinking it might be a combination of the salty fullness of eel and the sweet flakiness of swordfish, Gorebyss was a contender, until I remember it was basically a fish vampire that drank souls. Instead, the eventual winner was Whiscash, cooked cajun style, of course.

Main Course

Even more so than the fish, the main course has a lot to offer. Tepig and Torchic were the two tastiest of the starter Pokemon, and both would fit right in here. Audino then is an obvious choice since it’s like a Tepig… thing. It’s not quite a pig, but it’s basically a pig, right? It would probably taste a little bland after the barbecue spice of Tepig. Miltank was considered, as was Tauros, as both would produce beef, but Miltank is a dairy cow and Tauros would likely be too tough. Fearow could be a contender, but it feels like there would be too much gristle. Unfezant was a possibility too, dismissed for largely the same reason. That leaves us with the tender lamb of Mareep, whose innate electricity might give it a trifle more kick than Wooloo.

Dessert

We’ve already used Applin, but Appletun, a literal apple pie, would otherwise be a good choice here. And while Milcery was rejected as a drink, it could be turned to cheese and served as part of a cheese board. Or evolved into Alcremie, but who has the time? The mangosteen offering of Bounsweet was considered too, but instead, we’re opting for the sweet and irresistible Slurpuff. Bone apple tea.

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