Family Guy: 10 Best Brian Griffin Quotes
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Family Guy is always quotable – and these lines from Brian Griffin are some of the funniest in the series.
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The Brian Griffin character has changed a little over the years, but he’s always been an intellectual with a dry sense of humor and a strong relationship with both Peter and Stewie who is infatuated with Lois. He began in season 1 as the voice of reason who tagged along with Peter’s antics, but he’s since evolved into an douchey, uninformed, uber-liberal wannabe writer. Either way, he’s always been very rigidly characterized, and with that has come some of the funniest lines in the whole history of the show. So, Family Guy fans, here are the 10 Best Brian Griffin Quotes.
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10 Peter, those aren’t your kids…
Peter, those aren’t your kids. That’s the Nick at Nite line-up.
What makes Peter and Brian’s partnership works so well is the fact that Brian calls out Peter’s impossible level of stupidity without being mean. A perfect example of this is when Peter started listing off random names from realms of popular culture in an attempt to name his own children: “We can’t afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marcia, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley…” “Peter, those aren’t your kids. That’s the Nick at Nite line-up.” “Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda…” “That’s Street Fighter.” “Red, blue, green.” “Those are colors.”
9 I don’t think it’s lost on any of us…
I don’t think it’s lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.
In a recent Family Guy episode, the Black Lives Matter movement is explored as Peter starts a neighborhood watch organization to keep Quahog safe and ends up accidentally shooting Cleveland, Jr. as he sees him sneaking through his own bedroom window. When the case goes to court, Brian – all high and mighty on his far-left horse – says, “I don’t think it’s lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.” Brian’s political views have become so predictable at this point that Stewie tells him to check his pockets – he wrote down that exact sentence earlier in anticipation of Brian saying it in court.
8 Are you sure it was a book?
Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?
When Peter told Lois, “I read a book about this sort of thing once,” Brian asked him “Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?” That rang a bell in Peter’s mind and reminded him that, yes, it was nothing. The great thing about this line is the emphasis Seth MacFarlane puts on the word “nothing” as he delivers the line.
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You think Brian’s going to ask Peter if it was really a magazine or a cereal box instead of a book. But no, he thinks that even those things would be too intellectual for Peter, and instead thinks that what Peter was reading was nothing.
7 Oh, just die already
Oh, just die already.
One of the most famous parts of Family Guy is its use of pop culture references. The show once referenced Bob Barker’s very public quest to get everyone in the world to have their pets spayed or neutered. This was the perfect celebrity scandal to reference in Family Guy, since the titular family happens to have a pet dog who can walk on his hind legs and talk – and spends a lot of his time watching TV. When Barker says, “Help control the pet population and have your pet spayed or neutered,” Brian said out loud, “Oh, just die already.”
6 A bag of weed, a bag of weed…
A bag of weed, a bag of weed / Everything is better with a bag of weed!
Family Guy is renowned for its catchy musical numbers, but one of its most controversial ones was “A Bag o’ Weed,” the song that Brian sings to get marijuana legalized in Quahog. The song itself was just as merry and catchy as any other musical number that Family Guy has ever done. But the episode’s blasé approach to the issue of the use of marijuana got the whole show banned from airing on any TV stations in Venezuela by the Venezuelan government. Plus, the Parents Television Council named the episode, titled “Episode 420,” their “Worst TV Show of the Week.”
5 Peter, those are Cheerios
Peter, those are Cheerios.
Often, when Brian is calling out Peter’s idiocy, he won’t even look up from his newspaper. It’s almost like he’s talking to his infant son who he has no interest in indulging. In one case, Peter is sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal, and he tells Brian, “Brian, there’s a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says, ‘Ooooo!’” Without looking up from his newspaper, Brian says, “Peter, those are Cheerios.” He doesn’t even need to look at the cereal on Peter’s spoon to confirm this – that’s how smart he is in comparison to how dumb Peter is.
4 You look like Lou Ferrigno’s poop
You look like Lou Ferrigno’s poop.
In the episode “Stew-Roids,” Peter starts taking Stewie to the gym to get him into fighting shape after he gets beaten up by Joe’s daughter Susie. He gets him hooked on steroids (bear in mind that this is a one-year-old baby) and, before too long, Stewie is ripped. With his new physique, his whole lifestyle changes – he’s obsessed with exercise and nutrition and muscle mass, and he bullies Brian and claims there’s now a toll in the hallway. When he first sees him with his new rippling muscles, Brian compares his look to a bowel movement by none other than the Incredible Hulk himself, Lou Ferrigno.
3 I was hoping they’d be darker
I was hoping they’d be darker.
When Chris starts dating Jerome’s African-American daughter, Brian’s liberal politics come into play and he acts overly ecstatic that a black family is coming over for dinner. He goes out of his way to show how excited he is to be eating dinner with people of color.
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At first, he announces that it’s about time some black people “broke bread” with the Griffins at their dinner table. Then, after Jerome says he doesn’t want Chris dating his daughter and storms out, Brian says, “I was hoping they’d be darker.” It’s a great satire of white liberals’ overcompensation around people of color.
2 Whose leg do you have to hump…
Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
At the beginning of the show’s run, “Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?” was Brian Griffin’s catchphrase. And while he hasn’t said it in a few years, mainly because catchphrases tend to wear off after you’ve been on the air for 17 seasons, it does encapsulate his character pretty well. It draws attention to the fact that he’s a dog, because he’s as humanized as he is, Brian is still a dog, and if you draw attention to that, it points out how funny it is. And it also points out his drinking problem, which has been one of his characteristics since the very beginning and still is today.
1 You know what, Stewie…
You know what, Stewie, if you don’t like it, go on the Internet and complain.
At a certain point in its run, Family Guy had gotten to know its fans pretty well. And a lot of those fans were going on online forums to complain about what they didn’t like about the show, whether it’s plot holes or character inconsistencies or simply jokes they didn’t find funny.
So, the show has responded to those fans with meta, self-aware jokes. In one episode, when Stewie starts getting into the logistics of which characters in the show can understand him, Brian says, “You know what, Stewie, if you don’t like it, go on the Internet and complain.”
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Ben Sherlock is a writer, comedian, and independent filmmaker. He writes lists for Screen Rant and features and reviews for Game Rant, covering Mando, Melville, Mad Max, and more. He’s currently in pre-production on his first feature, and has been for a while because filmmaking is expensive. In the meantime, he’s sitting on a mountain of unproduced screenplays. Previously, he wrote for Taste of Cinema, Comic Book Resources, and BabbleTop. You can catch him performing standup at odd pubs around the UK that will give him stage time.
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