Pokemon Diamond & Pearl’s Amity Square Is For Tories
Pokemon Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl look great, eh? Shame about all the Tories in Amity Square.
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Did you see that there Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl trailer yesterday? Exciting stuff, isn’t it? After 15 years of Sinnoh, we’re finally getting the Gen 4 remakes that have been rumoured since dinosaurs walked the Earth and Pokemon were real. What’s that? Pokemon were never real? Mate, Rampardos is a dinosaur and I have literally seen dinosaur bones. Idiot.
Anyway, I was extremely excited for Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl until exactly 2:03pm BST yesterday afternoon, at which point the latest BDSP trailer was revealed via the official Pokemon Twitter page. Bidoof? Great! Staraptor? Brilliant! Rock Climb? Hold your forking horses! But then, as if out of nowhere, everything changed, a cold and cruel wind sweeping through the air and biting harder than a peckish Mightyena with lockjaw.
Amity Square? More like 10 Downing Street. What’s this still doing in the game?
For those unacquainted with the ins and outs of the Sinnoh region, it’s mostly brilliant, teeming with wonderfully wintery snowscapes and all kinds of majestic monuments that have yet to be matched in any Pokemon game since. Amity Square, on the other hand, is a post-gentrification pit of corporatocratic hell. Put plainly, it’s a playpen for Tories who have grown sick of playing politics. “Unhand thy Happiny, knave!” a crude and toupeed old fart bellows at the unfortunate little boy wandering the outskirts of the playpen. “Thou shalt despair the day thou defied a revered Minister of Parliament!”
Obviously, the little kid nicks his Happiny’s egg and lobs it at this moron’s head, shouting “Tory bastard!” at him before running away, laughing his arse off. Mr. Amity Square Tory starts to cry, his babyish brain betraying his bravado as he wipes soggy egg yolk off his forehead. He goes to the person at reception and tattles about the “meanie” who “turned his face into a frittata,” demanding the six-year-old be imprisoned for all eternity on account of this baseless and barbaric crime.
“It’s alright, Bor-Bor,” the receptionist says. “Just stay away from ruffians like that, OK?”
In all seriousness, Amity Square is arguably the most pretentiously pratty place in the entire world of Pokemon. I get the idea: You’re able to go for a nice little walk – or a “stroll” as the Tory receptionist calls it – with your six favourite ‘mons. You can cook poffins together and run around the fields and laugh and joke and sing all while little Ceremy Jorbyn outside is left to look in, despairing at the fact such a small amount of people are wasting such a massive amount of money on this overly exorbitant exercise in ultra-capitalism. Do you know where else you can go for a walk with your Pokemon? Literally anywhere. That’s the whole point of Pokemon – they just sort of knock about the world. What, you’re too good for the world? OK, mate. In that case, see ya.
Basically, Amity Square is packed with people who look like they’re off to the dogs, which, in 2021, is just a bit gross. Have you ever met a greyhound? They’re lovely. What’s that? You want to go watch them being massively exploited so you can burn money in a suit you rented from Bob down the road? Jesus, why didn’t I think of that? No wonder you’re the one in power. Billy Big Brains over here – oops, watch your drink. It’s only a little mark, Bob won’t mind.
I’m joking, mostly. I know it’s just a game. It is, however, a game with a place that is designed exclusively for people who go out for afternoon tea and, like, wear brooches, or something. I don’t really know what Tories do. Well, I do: nothing. But outside of that nothing, it’s probably afternoon tea with brooches tacked on to their blazers. Amity Square is basically the de facto afternoon tea provider of the Sinnoh region. That’s why I hate it.
It’s also worth contextualising this in terms of Pokemon. Remember, this is a post-scarcity society where bowlcut weirdos in spacesuits are trying to destroy the world. What does one do in a situation like this? Well, they bring their Cleffa to the fancy members park and bake a nice little cake! Why bother getting involved when someone less fortunate will sort it out? How could you not want cake? If Marie Antoinette were here, she’d argue that you were actually doing the peasants a favour by baking (except not really, that quote is misappropriated to Antoinette, who was actually far smarter and more empathetic than her buffoon of a husband).
Anyway! Amity Square is for Tories and if you think that suggestion is bad then you should feel bad. What’s that? You think I’m wrong? Okay Tory.
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