The 19 Lamest 80s Toys Of All Time (And The 10 Best)
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Anyone who grew up in the 80s will surely recognize these 20 awful toys! We added 10 of the best just to balance it out.
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The 1980s were the best decade for kids toys, and I’m not just saying that because I grew up during them. For the first time, toy companies weren’t content to just sell kids toys with ads in magazines. It wasn’t enough for kids to be playing with toys outside or in the living room. Kids had to live and breathe the toys they were buying. They had to dream about them, draw them, write stories about them, and, most importantly, talk to their friends about them. Companies like Hasbro, Kenner, and Playmates spent crazy amounts of money on a new strategy for selling toys to kids: brand synergy.
Now toys were being sold to kids not just in between the shows on tv, but the shows themselves were designed to sell toys. So was the cereal the kids were eating while they watched, the pajamas they wore while they watched, and even the vitamins they ate to counteract the damage they did to their bodies while they did those things.
Thing is: we ate it all up! We loved that the same characters we saw in movies were now on our tv screens and in our hands. I had a ton of Ninja Turtle and Ghostbusters stuff and I was all about it.
Sadly, not everything can be a cultural juggernaut lasting decades. Here are 20 of the lamest attempts to pry your hard-earned paper route money that, if not created, reached the height of their power in the 80s.
And just for fun, we tossed some genuinely great toys in there, too.
29 LAME: Poor Man’s Transformers
I’m not blowing any minds by saying that Transformers was a big deal in the 1980s. Hasbro’s Robots in Disguise toy-and-cartoon juggernaut was making all the money. Former kings of toys for boys Tonka, seeing their oversized dump trucks weren’t flying off the shelves anymore, did the sensible thing and made those trucks into robots.
Gobots were what you got for your birthday from well-meaning family members who knew you wanted “One of those transforming robot toys.” Ironically, Hasbro bought the line out in 1991 and worked the Gobots lore into an alternate Transformers timeline.
28 LAME: So Many Bad He-Man Figures
We’ve already done a whole article about bad He-Man toys. There are so many! Like Ram Man, who, to his credit, is pretty clear about what he’s into.
You can’t even move his arms and legs so as not to mess up his aerodynamics.
There are also classics like Sssqueeze, who leaves no doubt in your mind that he is a Snakeman, and Snout Spout who looks like someone tried to cosplay as Flame Mammoth from Mega Man X and gave up after the head.
27 BEST: OG Transformers
The merchandising juggernaut of the 80s and 90s needs no introduction, having been a part of pop culture since its creation 30+ years ago. While originally marketed as The Transformers across toys, cartoons, and comic books, fans started calling the original “roll out” (sorry) of Transformers by the now-familiar “Generation 1” moniker once the franchise started to get more and more complicated, leading Hasbro to adopt the term officially.
The original idea came from, of course, Japan, where giant robot or “mecha” had been a staple of entertainment for decades. Hasbro bought a number of different mecha toy lines and resold them all un the West under the Transformers label.
26 LAME: Indentured Animal Babies
Another toy phenomena that is inexplicable today, Cabbage Patch Kids straddled the line between dolls and toys and it seemed like every kid I knew had one. What I don’t remember are these spin-off dolls, called “Koosas” for whatever reason.
Koosas were supposed to be pets for the Cabbage Patch Kids, though they clearly just used the same bodies and head sculpts but added cat ears. They are also, in the rich lore of Cabbage Patch Kids, fully sentient, which is pretty dark, and even Google tags them as “animal babies.”
25 LAME: Irresponsible Pet Owner Simulator
“Puppy Surprise:” Every kid’s dream, every parent’s nightmare. While the idea that your cute dog could just randomly get fat and then one day spawn half a dozen cuter, tinier versions of itself is incredibly exciting for a kid. As an adult, all I see is bills and torn-up couches.
Where did you all come from?!
Part of the pregnancy craze of the 90s, scroll down to #6 on this list to learn about Pregnant Barbie, Puppy Surprise is a stuffed toy featuring a random number of tiny babies in it, because the best thing about having babies is not knowing how many there are in there.
24 BEST: Your First Car
A common sight on lawns both urban and sub, the Little Tykes Cozy Coupe is immediately recognizable for its bulbous shape and yellow-on-red color scheme. The Coupe grew up with you, from a comfy way to roam around your yard as a kid, to a roll-cage equipped stunt machine perfect for launching over ramps.
While modern versions have given the thing eyes for some reason, the design has stayed mostly consistent for decades. The coupe is so beloved that it has even been made into actual, road-safe cars for adults who just can’t let go of that sense of independence and adventure.
23 LAME: Fun For Five Minutes
I know what you’re thinking: Etch-A-Sketch is one of the quintessential 80s toys, even being immortalized in Toy Story. Everyone had one or knew a kid who did, and they are staples of Kindergarten classrooms to this day.
But has anyone stopped to consider that they’re terrible?
Trying to draw something with an Etch-A-Sketch is like trying to draw with one hand tied behind your back and the other hand severed at the elbow. These things are fun for the five seconds it takes to get over the initial joy of “When I turn the knob the line happens.” Even if you do manage to make something worth looking at, the thing has such contempt for you that it self-destructs as soon as you put it down.
22 LAME: It’s So Bad
What needs to be said about the Nintendo Power Glove that isn’t covered in this legendary clip from the 1989 Fred Savage movie/commercial The Wizard?
The Power Glove is basically an NES controller strapped to a vinyl dishwashing glove that, while admittedly awesome in its 80s-ness, is a terrible video game controller. We can barely control games with hand gestures now, image how janky this was in 1989! A licensed Nintendo product, the Power Glove was actually manufactured by Mattel, who is going to show up on this list a lot.
21 BEST: Sandbox Warriors
Created in 1964 and credited for creating the term “action figure,” since conventional wisdom believed that boys wouldn’t play with dolls. The brand really came into its own in 1982, when Hasbro re-branded to Joes, not as a semi-accurate representation of real branches of the US Armed Forces, but as an elite fighting force battling the evil organization Cobra. The 3 ¾” scale figures are what most of us probably think of when we think of “GI Joe.”
That or Channing Tatum.
Much like Transformers, GI Joe was an absolute smash hit for Hasbro, as popular on television screens as on store shelves.
20 LAME: Creepy Android Bear
Teddy Ruxpin is one of the ultimate 80s toys for one big reason: it promised you the future. A teddy bear that not only talked, but it’s mouth and eyes moved too! Did it read your stories out loud? You bet it did! Underneath the magic, however, Ruxpin held a diabolical secret.
Like a cuddly Wizard of Oz.
You see, the magic of Ruxpin was all an illusion: the bear was powered by cassette tapes that you’d plug into its back. The thing was a huckster, pushing real friends onto kids who were none the wiser. Can you tell I’m still hurt by this betrayal?
19 LAME: Dog Toys With Arms And Legs
Surprisingly not made by the same guys who created Barnyard Commandos up there, Food Fighters definitely comes from the same dollar-signs-in-their-eyes mania of 80s toy executives. The Food Fighters are pretty much what you’d expect: fast food items with buff, GI Joe arms & legs sticking out of them, rigged up in military gear and given puntastic names like “Taco Terror” and “Private Pizza.”
My favorite is, obviously, “Major Munch.”
Constructed of the same squeaky-toy soft plastic as Barnyard Commandos and featuring no articulation or movement at all, there is something kitschily appealing of the concept of Food Fighters. I especially like that they all have a tiny helmet on. Safety first!
18 BEST: The Real-er Ghostbusters
While the Ghostbusters film was a massive, and surprising, success in 1982, it took two years for licensing and trademark disputes to allow an animated series to hit the airwaves. No sooner than it did, though, that Kenner produced a series of toys based on The Real Ghostbusters.
Want to know why they had to call it “The Real Ghostbusters”? Watch this.
Since they’re based on a cartoon, the figures have a warped, putty-like quality and bizarre differences from the actors who played them in the film, like Egon having a blonde pompadour.
17 LAME: Literally Just A Piece Of Metal
I know Slinky was invented way before the 80s. The toy was created in the 1940s when kids had to donate their imagination to the war effort. The reason this toy is so connected with the eighties is due to one thing: this commercial.
Have fun getting that out of your head.
I’ll be fair to whoever wrote that earworm: it certainly takes the (maybe four) things a Slinky is capable of and turns them into a catchy tune.
16 LAME: A Dentist’s Dream
This lawsuit waiting to happen is called a “PogoBall” and was another of those toys that seemingly everyone I knew had, but I never actually played with one. Probably because there are two kinds of kids: quiet, imaginative, intellectual kids, and those who launch themselves off of things and break stuff. I was definitely the former.
Just looking at this thing makes my two front teeth hurt.
Anyway, this thing is apparently Dutch and for years was exactly what it looked like: a ball with a platform built around it, like a deadly, tiny Saturn. Then in 2017, some evil genius at Little Tykes combined it with Bop It.
15 BEST: Strap Your Favourite Movies To Your Face
View-Master seems to be part of the same bizarre line of thinking as Lite Brite, Etch-A-Sketch, and the Tiger LCD games, all of which anticipated smartphones, tablets, and video games. While I think those preceding items are failures, however, I think the View-Master is, to borrow a term from the 80s, freaking rad.
Remember, the era of the home video was brand new, and VHS was just starting to assert itself. The idea that you could take still images from your favorite movies and TV shows and, uh, view them was completely magical.
14 LAME: I Thought It Would Be Fun And Exciting Like That Movie
Homer Simpson’s favourite movie was turned into an animated series in the 80s, back when kids TV executives were desperately trying to turn all the movies your parents didn’t allow you to watch into cartoons to sell you toys.
I totally forgot I watched this show until this exact moment.
Kenner’s Police Academy action figure line features all your favorite characters from the movie in grotesque cartoon form. Let me tell you, the ability of the guy who can make sound effects with his mouth is a lot less impressive in a cartoon.
13 LAME: Someone Get This Kid A Helmet
This self-propelled trap on wheels is a close competitor with the PogoBall for the most dangerous-looking toy ever made, outside of when kids used to play with actual guns.
Created by a former Boeing engineer for his grandson, who I guess he hated, the Roller Racer is powered by moving your arms back and forth, which is convenient because that’s what they’ll be doing as you pinwheel them in a blind panic hurtling down that one wicked hill near your cousin’s place.
12 BEST: I Played With These And I’m Not Ashamed
Surprise, it’s another long-running Hasbro property with genius cross-synergy. My Little Pony started out as a My Pretty Pony, which was larger and less colorful. When My Pretty Pony didn’t take off, Hasbro tried a few other options and hit the jackpot with My Little Pony in 1982. This version of Pony was made up of toys and, yes, tv shows and straight-to-video movies and ran until the mid-90s.
My Little Pony would be rebooted several ties, most famously as Friendship Is Magic in 2010, and if you haven’t heard about that, get ready to go down a rabbit hole of modern masculinity.
11 LAME: Karate Kommandos
See above RE: things you weren’t allowed to watch being turned into cartoons. No, not RoboCop, Rambo, The Toxic Avenger, or Conan The Barbarian. (All real.) It’s the butt of everyone’s favorite circa-2009 internet joke:
No, not Rick Astley.
Yes, it’s Chuck Norris, who sits above Steven Segal but below Jean-Claude Van Damme in the action movie star hierarchy. Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos are a mix between the Ninja Turtles and GI Joe, though in this reality Chuck and the Kommandos are the only things standing between us and The Claw, led by the nefarious Super Ninja. Kenner was really phoning it in by this point.
10 LAME: Hologram For The Kids
Shout out to one of my favorite YouTube Channels, Toy Galaxy, for doing a video on Visionaries just a few weeks ago. Marvel and Hasbro, looking to complete their grand slam of 80s pop culture dominance after the success of Transformers, GI Joe, and Jem And The Holograms, created… this.
The narrator’s name is, I swear, Malachi Throne.
Despite the usual assault on our childhood senses, with toys, comic books, and a half-hour animated series, Visionaries never took off and has languished in licensing limbo for decades, although the Visionaries were brought into the Transformers comics continuity by IDW in 2017.
Link Source : https://www.thegamer.com/80s-toys-all-time-best-least/