Which Pokemon Would The Mass Effect Characters Have In Their Party?
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We sat down to figure out which Pokemon every Mass Effect character would have in their party, all in the name of science.
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Category : Pokemon
In case you’re new around these parts, it’s worth informing you that we’re pretty big into Pokemon here at TheGamer. In the last week alone, we’ve published a whopping 46 articles on Nintendo’s illustrious catch-’em-up, which might as well be nothing in comparison to what we’ll end up putting out to support the launch of Brilliant Diamond & Shining Pearl next Friday.
Believe it or not though, we do actually like other games as well. Some personal favourites include The Witcher 3, Dragon Age: Origins, The Last Guardian, Nier: Automata, and Yakuza 0, although one particular series our entire staff is unanimously enamoured with is BioWare’s mahoosive Mass Effect trilogy. For what it’s worth, I like Andromeda too, although that opinion is… slightly less unanimous.
But yeah – we all like Pokemon and we all like Mass Effect, which got me thinking: which Pokemon would make the best squadmates on the Normandy? Unfortunately, I instantly encountered a major logistical issue here. With 898 designs and counting, there are simply too many Pokemon for me to evaluate each and every one of them, so I inverted the parameters to posit a new thesis: what kind of Pokemon trainer would each major Mass Effect companion be? After years of vigorous research conducted within the cold confines of disinterested isolation, I have unwavering conviction in the conclusions I have drawn. All of this, of course, was done in the name of science.
Commander Shepard
The Big Dog. The Head Honcho. Master and Commander. Shepard is the hero at the heart of the entire Mass Effect trilogy, except whether or not their body count is conducive to the concept of heroism is er, debatable. Anyway, Shep is all about guns. I tend to play Vanguard, and yet humanity’s first Spectre still seems almost entirely defined by large-scale exhibitions of shootybangs. Unfortunately for them, no Pokemon to date has come with a built-in rocket launcher, so we’re going to have to improvise.
Blastoise is the obvious choice for Shepard’s ace. It has cannons attached to its shoulders and a move literally called Hydro Cannon. The Collector Particle Beam is definitely overpowered, but I think even it would pale in comparison to a blast from this ‘toise. For similar reasons, we’ll give Shepard a Galarian Slowbro for its signature Shell Side Arm technique and a Dragapult because it uses baby dragons as fighter jet missiles. Shepard only has three Pokemon because they are unable to even comprehend completing a mission with any more or less companions than that.
Garrus
Garrus, in spite of his roguish charm and rallying courage, is a mandible man. As the Milky Way’s avian species, it’s only natural to consider turians as the Bird Keepers of Mass Effect. Still, I’d like to think Garrus in particular opts for personality when choosing from the peacocks and pelicans of the Pokemon world.
Garrus’ main ‘mon definitely needs to be something with a real fire to it, so I’m thinking Talonflame cements itself as his lead. Other bird Pokemon like Pidove, Hoothoot, and Ducklett just don’t have enough pizazz for someone as unintentionally stylish as Garrus – man gets his eye ripped out and somehow looks better after it. We’re gonna go with Decidueye because its arrows are basically the same thing as Archangel’s sniper rifle; Corviknight because it boasts a natural, unpretentious edginess; Altaria because you just know Garrus has a soft spot; and two Legendary Birds because why not? We all know Garrus could easily catch them. I reckon he’s not fussed with Articuno.
Liara
Another thing we all know is exactly what Liara is like. Prothean this, Prothean that – she hangs around with fossils but refuses to bring them back to life because she’d rather talk to unresponsive rocks. She has a Dome Fossil, a Root Fossil, a… look, do you really know which fossil corresponds to which Pokemon off by heart? Liara has a bunch of fossils. Great scientist, not-so-great Pokemon trainer.
Tali
Ah, Tali, the Normandy’s beloved engineer. Like most quarians, Tali’s got quite a penchant for playing with different kinds of tech. As a result, she’s probably a Steel trainer, and is almost definitely working on an all-powerful synthetic Pokemon designed to raze the geth population of Rannoch.
In my mind, Tali’s lead is probably Melmetal, who has been with her ever since she started playing with scrap as a child. She’s got a Magneton to provide electrical currents, a Beldum as a stand-in for a floating drone, a Jirachi as an academic peer to bounce ideas off, and an Eevee to offer a Helping Hand every now and then. Her sixth slot goes to Skarmory – given that Tali and Garrus get together if you don’t romance either of them, it only makes sense that they both have birds to fly about on, eh?
Wrex
Wrex doesn’t really give a shit about any Pokemon that can’t beat him in a fight. When he enters a Pokemon Contest, he just spams Tough moves and shouts “Uncle Urdnot has a present for you!” While he’s impressed by Poison Pokemon and their ability to withstand the toxic atmosphere of Tuchanka, his heart truly lies with Rock-types.
Once a day, every day, Wrex and his Rampardos have a headbutt-off, which Wrex usually wins. After this, he has a roundhouse-kick-off with his Stonjourner and wins again. Once he emerges victorious from his grapple-off with Golem, he immediately trounces Tyranitar in a smash-big-rock-off and proceeds to defeat Rhyperior in a Megahorn-off using his non-existent nose. He ends the day by exchanging blows with Onix for 15 hours straight.
Ashley
Whatever you think the six most boring Pokemon in the world are, that’s Ashley’s party.
Kaidan
Kaidan and his Psyduck truly understand each other. Both wield astronomical biotic power and suffer from overwhelming migraines as a result of it. He also has Gallade, Latios, Bronzong, Alolan Raichu, and Galarian Articuno. A lot of people wrongfully call Kaidan boring, but when you consider his propensity for Psychic ‘mons, considerable aggression, and absolutely predictable type when it comes to selecting specific Pokemon to raise, he suddenly becomes a whole lot cooler.
Thane
All Dark, all the time. Thane’s Zoroark is his dearest friend, although he doesn’t discriminate when it comes to treating his entire party with respect. On top of the master of illusions, he runs Umbreon, Absol, Greninja, Weavile, and Darkrai, giving him one of the best teams of any trainer we’ve discussed so far alongside Tali and Kaidan. Pound for pound, Shepard’s squad is the strongest by a mile, but again, they only run four out of six Pokemon, which makes them second worst to Liara’s rocks.
Grunt
“I AM KROGAN!” Grunt shouts as his first ever Pokemon battle begins. In what can only be described as a spectacular misunderstanding of how battling fundamentally works, Grunt hurtles headfirst into the arena and starts slinging shotgun shells as if it’s nobody’s business.
Grunt has no Pokemon – he is the Pokemon. Also, he beats Thane, Kaidan, and Tali to become the strongest trainer on the Normandy so far, despite the fact he does not, in fact, know what a Pokemon is.
Mordin
Mordin doesn’t really like Pokemon battles all that much. He’s much more interested in small, slick, and smart ‘mons who are capable of assisting him in labs and hospitals.
He does admittedly break this size rule with his main partner, Mewtwo, but only on account of the fact that they are both ruthless, nihilistic, morally questionable super geniuses who are incapable of considering any situation from a perspective that does not immediately further their own selfish goals. After that he has a Reuniclus, a Kartana, a Honedge, and a Rotom. He also has a Chatot, who he occasionally (read: every hour of every day) sings songs with.
Jacob
Jacob is one of Mass Effect’s driest characters. He’s actually a lot better than we remember! But he’s still dry, so it’s only natural that he uses exclusively monotype Normal Pokemon. As well as his partner Pokemon Kangaskhan, he’s got Zangoose, Vigoroth, Ursaring, and Tauros, none of whom have ever laughed.
It’s worth noting that Jacob also has a Lillipup he points to whenever he has visitors. This is to try and make him seem like a quirky dog owner, although said quirkiness quickly dissipates when you see it eats exactly 500g of dry nutrient paste at 7:45 every morning and has been taught to roll over in 17 different languages.
Miranda
Miranda’s Pokemon are all astonishingly strong, and they know it. She’s a multitype trainer who excels when it comes to executing intense and highly detailed strategies and actively works towards using type synergies to trick her opponents.
As a matter of fact, Miranda’s team might look familiar to seasoned Pokemon fans on account of the fact that it’s literally Cynthia’s: Garchomp is her ace, while Spiritomb, Togekiss, Roserade, Milotic, and Lucario fill out the rest of the squad. At the time of writing, it is unclear who would win in a match between Miranda and Grunt.
Samara
Samara’s squad obviously consists of calm, serene, and deeply wise Psychic-type Pokemon. She’s got Alakazam, Espeon, Mew, Celebi, and Gardevoir, although her closest Pokemon companion is her trusty Xatu. Rumours on Omega suggest that none of these ‘mons have seen battle in centuries, although each and every one of them is capable of incapacitating 100 level 100s with a single psychokinetic blast. Scary.
Jack
Jack also likes Psychic Pokemon, but she’s especially fond of Ghost-types who are of an… energetic disposition. She’s got Gengar, Alolan Marowak, Hoopa, Deoxys, and Necrozma – even Grunt could struggle with a squad like this.
Like Samara, Jack also uses an Alakazam, introducing the first duplicate ‘mon in this entire list. This Alakazam, however, is of the exact opposite temperament to Samara’s as a result of a life filled with murder, piracy, and blowing shit up. Let’s just say you don’t want to be on the receiving end of Jack’s Alakazam’s Psychic, eh?
Legion
Legion is interested in robot Pokemon because while they are inherently synthetic, they also evidently have a soul. Its best mate is Metagross, with whom it spends an inordinate amount of time discussing the joys of optimistic nihilism.
While Klefki isn’t a robot, it is a set of sentient keys and so Legion is also particularly interested in how it manages to maintain a soul. The other four slots go to Doublade, Golurk, Duraludon, and, of course, Magearna, who quite literally lives with a Soul-Heart in its chest – this unit definitely has a soul. If you think I wrote ‘soul’ a lot in this paragraph, you should know it was intentional.
Kasumi
As the galaxy’s greatest master thief, Kasumi obviously prefers the company of sneaky Pokemon. When you consider that she is probably one of Mass Effect’s best humoured characters, it should come as little surprise that her favourite ‘mon is Haunter, who loves to play all sorts of pranks as the pair flit through walls and cause a ruckus.
Kasumi also has Sneasel, Kecleon, Zorua, Liepard, and Shedinja. Well, at least we think that’s her team – to be completely honest, we have no way of knowing for sure. Last time we tried to outline which Pokemon Kasumi was running, it turned out the intel we received was an April Fools’ joke she used to distract us while she stole a painting worth $10 billion. Yeah… I know…
Zaeed
No Pokemon has committed war crimes yet and for this reason no Pokemon is interested in hanging out with Zaeed Massani.
James
Pushups! Pullups! Situps! Chinups! James Vega has six Machamp! Yeah! No you’re phoning it in because you only have two entries left!
EDI
EDI, as a result of her superior intellect and ruthless efficiency, purports to use a team that is exclusively made up of Steel-type Legendary Pokemon: Dialga, Zacian, Zamazenta, Cobalion, Registeel, and Solgaleo. In reality, EDI is the only person on this entire list who realises the existence of the PC system, and so she changes her team all the time just like any other Pokemon trainer in the history of ever. It is absurd how almost every character in Mass Effect is simultaneously exceptionally gifted and a complete moron.
Javik
Like Liara, Javik also has a team of fossils to remind him of what life was like during his cycle. Unlike Liara, he actually remembered to revive them.
Winner: Grunt
After a tense competition between all of the Normandy’s squadmates, Grunt quickly becomes the first ever Pokemon trainer to win a tournament without using any Pokemon. In light of this highly scientific conclusion, I hereby declare the need for a petition with the motion that Urdnot Grunt be added as an officially recognised Legendary Pokemon in Gen 9. Cheers.
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