I Would Rule The Earth In Pokemon World
The rules of Pokemon are no match for my superior intellect. Also I have a gun.
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If I lived in Pokemon world I would be queen of absolutely everything. The gods themselves would bow before me. I would rule over all not with an iron fist, but with pure and simple common sense. Have you ever seen the people who try to take over the world in Pokemon? They’re disastrously incompetent, and they still almost manage it. Put me in Kanto and I’ll be commissioning statues in my own honour by tea time.
Let’s use Kanto’s own Team Rocket as our example here, but basically every villainous team has the same basic flaw – that is, they’re all filled with absolute fucking morons. When you go to Team Rocket’s hideout in Celadon City, there are a variety of complex traps, locked door puzzles, and a confusing array of floors for you to traverse. As evil lairs go, it’s pretty well designed, letting the guards themselves get around fairly easily thanks to their handy keycards – presumably equipped with the corresponding security clearance to their relative ranks – but near impossible to navigate as an outsider. Still, it’s not that complicated, because a ten-year-old kid is able to figure it out with no major issues.
This is why I would rule the Pokemon world. In Pokemon, whenever you beat the bad guys, they just go away. They’re guarding their boss’ fortress with a Koffing and a Zubat, you rock up with a Charmeleon, and they just step aside. Not just that, they pay you real actual money for beating them. It’s like a thief breaking into an art gallery with a football, challenging the security staff to keepy-uppies, then taking off with a few masterpieces after landing the Maradona 7.
Here’s what I would do if someone broke into my lair and challenged me to a Pokemon battle. Just say “no”, Nancy Reagan style. No battle. Just have my guards grab the invader and throw them out. Maybe even take out my gun and shoot them. I mean, what are you gonna do, call the cops? They show up with two Growlithe and challenge me to a Pokemon battle and I just keep saying “no”. Hell, maybe I just keep a Blastoise on hand for the cops and when they show up to arrest me for child murder, I Hydro Pump McGrowlithe the Crime Dog and make the cops hand over their Poke Dollars. That’s the rules, right?
It must be the rules, because this doesn’t just happen with lower level grunts, but with the big boss man himself. When you fight Giovanni, he will also go away and pay you for the privilege if you beat him. His team’s significantly tougher, but that only underlines the issue – he’s such a powerful figure precisely because he has these strong Pokemon. I walk in there, not with a Pikachu, but with two goons and a pistol, and suddenly I am in charge of his entire business venture.
I wouldn’t need to be the ultimate Pokemon Champion, the people can still fight with their silly little Pokemon for that honour themselves. Let them eat cake. And eventually I may be felled – Pokemon are pretty strong creatures, so if someone invades my lair with the Legendary birds not looking to challenge my honour, but simply to zap, freeze, and burn me to death in order to rid this land of its Pokemon tyrant, I’m toast. Electrified, frozen, burnt toast. Until then though, I’m free to run around doing what I like, perplexing the authorities with my refusal to battle.
Perhaps I would battle, if only occasionally, just to show my disdain and utmost superiority. I’d take people on with a Pidgey, get slaughtered, and then refuse to play into their silly customs. Hand over money? No. Leave? No. Do anything? No. I have a gun. You have a Sandshrew. Let’s not make this harder than it needs to be. The Pokemon world operates by the stupidest legal system imaginable, and if a ten-year-old can overthrow an empire, I can become a god.
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