The Office: The 10 Funniest Michael-Hates-Toby Quotes

It’s no secret that Michael Scott wasn’t the best boss, and here are 10 particularly reprehensible things he has said to and about Toby.

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There were a number of fantastic recurring jokes through the American version of The Office. Michael Scott’s personality, on the whole, was enough of a draw to keep audiences watching for seven seasons. He wasn’t always the most pleasant person of all time, however, and decided that he absolutely hated the Scranton HR guy Toby Flenderson for no real reason.

It was hard to decide whether we hated Michael’s aggressive bullying of the innocent, shy Toby, or if we absolutely loved how consistently brutal his insults were. We’ve decided to overlook the negativity and just focus on the hilarity.

10 Lemon-Head

“Who let the lemon-head into the room? You are a waste of life, and you should give up.”

This one is good on so many levels. First of all, what is a lemon-head? In fairness, Toby’s head is somewhat lemon-shaped, so maybe it’s that. The second half is a lot more direct. Telling someone that they’re a waste of life seems incredibly harsh, but there is just something about it coming from the mouth of Michael Scott that just can’t help but laugh at.

9 Shoot Twice

“If I had a gun, with two bullets, and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.” This is arguably the most famous Michael-Toby quote. It’s an impossible scenario which is supposed to present some sort of moral conundrum, but Michael just runs with it and decides he’d rather Hitler and Bin Laden live just so he has the pleasure of shooting Toby twice.

8 The Most Expensive Shot

“It was far and away the most expensive shot of the movie, but it was integral to the story.”

This is related to the screening of Michael’s film in which he cast his own employees as various far-fetched characters. In a moment requiring an impressive budget, Toby’s head completely explodes.

7 Pure Hatred

“Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.” Another of the famous ones. This time, things don’t start off that funny and perhaps point to the reason why Michael actually hates Toby so much. But “the things you choose to be” is just perfect comedy writing.

6 More Hatred

“I have cause. It’s be-cause I hate him.” During one of his many, many attempts to have Toby fired, Michael actually rang his boss and directly asked that Toby be removed from the office. Of course, David Wallace wasn’t having any of it and told Michael that he’d need a reason to fire one of his employees. Michael attempted to work the work “cause” into the word “be-cause,” and offer no other reason aside from pure hatred.

5 Evil Snail

“I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail.”

Now, the start of this particular quote suggests that Michael tried to befriend Toby, which isn’t strictly true. He gives about a second of his time up before wandering off. Also, where did ‘evil snail’ come from?!

4 Silent Killer

“You are the silent killer”. A simple one, but a classic. Toby points out that the office should have the quality of the air tested as it is a silent killer. He really walked into that one, didn’t he? Michael obviously came straight back, twisting Toby’s words against him.

3 A Lie

“You wanna hear a lie? I think you’re great. You’re my best friend”.

The twisted root of this one is particularly interesting. Michael certainly isn’t a stranger to making it very clear in front of the cameras that he isn’t Toby’s biggest fan, but outwardly stating that he is about to lie, and then giving Toby two compliments, is seriously cold. It’s quite surprising that Michael could even allow himself to say those things, even when he knew he was lying.

2 NO

“NO!” You hear this one a lot, even without its original context—it’s become a huge meme over the years. The genuine anguish and torture in Michael’s voice when he realizes that Toby is back in the office is quite concerning really, making it the perfect sample to use when needing to express similar feelings. We wonder if Toby was offended by how much popularity has come from the anguished scream of his boss upon simply seeing his face.

1 And Sometimes The Silence Is Even More Deafening

Arguably the funniest moment of pure hatred between Michael and Toby came without a single word. Michael way already annoyed that he was going to have to spend the day with Toby, and, when Toby started trying to speak to him over lunch, the line must have been drawn. Rather than telling Toby how much he hated him, he simply made eye contact with the HR rep and pushed his lunch tray off the table. Toby barely even knows how to respond, and a stony-faced Michael simply walks away.

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